Saturday, December 17, 2022

Is my life precious?

What I have been doing so far is just to survive, there is no sparkling in my life after the leaving of my mom, additionally, my dad does not care about me, he only thinks about himself and his new life with his new family. To make it worst, I am also being left with my closest friends, because of my own mistake, I could not have the second chance. They don't wanna be in my life any more. 

Hence, I am in crisis of finding the reason why I live. If I was a a ghibli character, I could be the 'no face' ghost in Spirited Away. I don't have a face to show to the world. Even, I hope everyone does not see me exist. That's why I love to wear black, to hide my presence in the dark color, but I guess, they can still see me, but at least, I do not predominant the crowd with a shining color. However, my dad complained about it when he still cared about me, he asked me to also consider colorful clothes.

I am in the step of not being scared if I am crashed by a car or undergoing an accident. But, what I am wondering is, how if I am in that situation, and I don't do anything to save my life, then I die, is it also included as an act of suicide? I am a person who do not agree with suicide, but if that unexpected situation happens, it is not from myself who design it. But, once again, if I surrender in that situation, will it be counted as the act of suicide? If yes, I have to think twice, because I don't want to go to hell, I want to meet my mom in His heaven. 

The unpleasant memories kept attacking me day by day, learning from my past experience a year ago, I don't want to get drown to the sadness that in turn disturbing my health, so I told to myself to erase everything in my head. It works, surprisingly, the stupid things are I also lost all the important memories for my life. I forgot the pattern to unlock my phone, I forgot my password to log in to my social media, even I forgot what I just have been thinking a second ago. 

My mom used to be my source of happiness, seeing her happy is the reason why I live. In her late age, when she could not move her body fully, and only able to lay on her bed, I asked her several times, what can I do to make you happy? do you want to go travelling? wanna have a pleasant food? She replied that she did not want all the things I offer. She told me that she just needs my presence and all the family. 

At that time, I did not have a lot of time to be at home, as usual, I am occupied with the routine office work. So for me, her wish is a little bit hard to be realized. I could not be in 24 hours besides her. In order to make her happy, I made sure to manage to spare every possible times to just sit or lay next to her. For example, in the meal time, I chose to eat in her room rather than in dining room. When watching Korean drama, I chose to watch it in her room rather than in my bedroom, or sometime we watched Lapor Pak! together, just to make sure she does not feel lonely. 

But for sometimes, when I am really tired with the people, I chose to be alone in my room. Fortunately, we have assistant who can accompany mom everyday. But still, mom preferred us to accompany so I told mom's wish to my sister and brothers, hoping that they can also cherish her by being present beside her. 

I just realized how meaningful my mom's wish were when she passed away. She could be already feeling her times in the world is not long any more, but she did not tell. She is very good in hiding her feeling. Including she never told me whether she loves me or not in my whole life, that's why I felt insecure after her funeral, since I did not receive the confirmation of her love (which I need it to feel secured) even until she passed away. 

In the after life, she could be already sensing my insecurity, so she jumped into my dream, she was young and beautiful like an angel, she gave me a warm back hug when we were laying on her bed together and then she told me how she loves me. I could not hold my tears. Thank you Mom for saying that you love me. I couldn't be happier that you told me finally.

Now, I am struggling to live, I know she might feel unhappy to see me in a mess. I guess she will be happy if I am happy. So I start doing what I love. Honestly, doing what I love so far has not really made me happy. It is, but it just lasts for a moment, then I felt unhappy again. I think, it is fine, I just need to go through it, while I am still searching for the answer to get a true happiness. The time will help me find it. 

There is a saying that life is precious. It makes me think, is my life also precious? At first, I think no, since I don't have mom, my dad ignores me, my closest friends do not want to be in my life, so I think, I am not precious anymore, so why do I live? But, then a second mind just popped up a few days ago, I have readers here that appreciate my writing, why don't I continue sharing what I have, to be useful for others, to be precious. Probably, it could be one of the reasons why I live. 

So, let see, whether I can commit in writing or not. Ganbatte Nurul! Your life is precious!

Posted on by Nurul Fajry Maulida | No comments


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