Sunday, April 30, 2023

Fever, Mall Trip, and to Treasure More Every Moment

In the middle of the Eid Fitr feast, some of us getting flu and fever including me. I felt guilty when one of my nephews got fever but he was not getting better after one night. From my experience, he should feel better, but it turned out different. 

After I investigated, I realized, probably it was due to his taking the medicine by cutting it into two pieces when after rechecking again the tablet, it is written that it is a coated tablet. Clearly, a coated tablet is not allowed to be crushed because it is already coated with special material which allows it to release the active substance in the desired location. If ignored, the effectivity might be lower. It was my first assumption. 

In the morning when he whined to come back home and told me that he could not continue the trip to the beach, made me felt even more guilty. I should have been more careful and more put my eyes on him. It was because I was busy watching the other nephews and do some other stuffs.  

Grateful I brought another type of medicine, I told him to finish it and promised him after successfully intaking it, sleeping for hours, then he will feel better. I also promised him, on the way home, I would buy him syrup medicine instead. I didn't know that he is bad with tablet swallowing. If knowing it sooner, I should have bought it before the activity for anticipation. 

He slept for quite long around 7 hours in the morning to the afternoon. As expected, he said to me that he felt better, such a relief, even he said to me that he wanted to continue the trip to the beach. My brother told me to see his condition again later until taking more rest in one night. 

He was getting better. Unfortunately, it was me next getting the fever. The youngest also felt unwell, so we decided not to continue the trip. In addition, their parent also worried since they saw a recent news in the respective beach, some of kids were declared missing when playing on the beach. Glad, that they had good understanding. I promised them to substitute the trip to the beach with trip to the mall, after everyone is getting better. 

Thus, we went to the mall in the following day for having dinner, watching horror movie, and playing Timezone.  Not only with three nephews, another 1 nephew and 1 niece joined us. At least my guilt feeling was paid off seeing them happy. Will we have more time to be together again in the future? 

From what I experienced, I thought that our family togetherness will stay forever, until the unwanted person came and cracked the harmony. She is the cause of the losing of my stability. We should have been getting together as usual, but this year, we were separated, I was like a lost child, I didn't know where to go until my brother invited me to come. 

Hence, from what happened this year, I learned that togetherness may not stay forever, so I should treasure and enjoy more every moment that I have with the family. What will happen in the future, we could not predict, it is beyond our capacity as a human. Sometimes we can predict, sometimes we cannot. It might be something very shocking, outside of our sense, so we need to always be ready. Fasten your seatbelt!

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Nemophila Flowers Photo that She Sent

In the middle of the gloomy day after the cheerful feast, I received message from my Japanese friend. Somehow she never forget to check on me. Oh my bad,  recently, it was always her that checked on me first, even at the time when I couldn't be reached via instagram, she still enquired me via line. I should be more proactive. My situation made my mood for socials up and down. Still, wondering about the essence of life. 

Anyway, her photo that she sent successfully improve my mood. She said that, she went to the National Park in Tokyo a day before and took some photos of nemophila flowers. She always capture the photo of flowers prettily. I love flowers. Cherry blossoms in spring, sunflowers and tulips in summer, and chrysanthemum in autumn. 

Ah, those flowers reminded how beautiful Japan is! I miss travelling around Japan when I always find numerous wonderful flowers arranged neatly. Different flowers bloom in different season makes me miss Japan even more.  

At least, I should have been more motivated to live, as I still have a tiny piece of desires to do in my life, i.e., to re-visit Japan. Yeah, but the thing is not getting easy as mentioned before, my mood swing recently is uncontrollable again. I may sometime really want to live to the fullest, in another day, I may not really want to live at all. Argh, so complicated, even I by myself feel confused. 

Regardless of my blabbering above, I felt grateful for having her in my social life and also for not forgetting me like the others. Hope we still can keep in touch. 

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Sunday, April 23, 2023

Camping with the Boys in Situ Gunung, Sukabumi, West Java

It was a good thing that we decided to come back to Jakarta on the first day, because my three lovely nephews were successfully persuaded to join me camping when I was about doubt just being by myself with my brother's family and my sister in law's relatives that I might feel awkward. Thankfully, It would not be bad, I would be alright since the presence of my nephews. I promised to my first sister and second brother that they will be under my responsibility wakakakak. 

We went to Situ Gunung for camping, they were excited since we arrived, impatient and started kicking the ball. 

The bigger brother helped the youngest to settle the shoes

The air was so fresh, unpolluted, and clear. The lake itself is so wide, yet I guessed it is dangerous to swim, as the water looked unclear and probably full of mud. Yet, the green trees surrounding the lake beautify the full view. It is worth it to stay for the day. 

I was insecure at first, afraid of the dark, and never had experience camping before. However, knowing how many visitors that were willing to stay in a camp, my fear was gone. 

The access to toilet and praying space is also not difficult. Not that clean, but also not that dirty, it is just fine, still acceptable, and better than nothing. We need to pay for 3000 IDR, more expensive than usual public toilet which is around 2000 IDR only. However, when the sun down, there is no lights available around the path to those facilities, so it is necessary to bring lights and friend to accompany. 

The praying space

I also felt regret for not bringing emergency lamp to be put around the tent. Because it was really no lights around the camping area too. I depended on the lights from my laptop and also lamp from the phone. Yet, the battery is limited and we were out of electricity source, thus we were in two options, to have lights but spending batteries or to stay in the dark to save batteries. I chose to have lights and spent the batteries until it died. 

My nephews could not detach from gadget, although we had battery issue. However, they were way more brilliant than me. They went to the closer shop to buy something in disguise and charge their gadget as the side motive. Good to know that they were able to resolve their own issue, but accompanying them to the toilet in the dark was my own challenge. 

It is not complete if we do not bring our own foods. So, here we had prepared our amunities. The youngest is a little bit picky, but as long as I provided him with popmie, it is okay for his stomach. 

A well-spent break that I had for Eid Fitr holiday with the boys. 

We were just four in a tent, each of them brought 2 shoes, 1 for general, while 1 for football. However, for how many times I tidied up the mess, they created the mess again. Grateful they have patient aunty wkwk.

During the camp, we had feast including fun games with the kids. My youngest niece santuyly (read: casually) ate kerupuk (shrimp crisp) during the games.

Here is the full members of the camping activity. 

Me and the boys, their faces wkwk

Overall, it was enjoyable, recommended place for camping. Things to bring:

  1. Foods
  2. Amenities
  3. Lights (flashlights and emergency lamps)
  4. Power bank
  5. Jacket
  6. Foldable bed
  7. Bedcover
  8. Umbrella
  9. Portable stove
  10. Pot
  11. Drink water
  12. Medicines for anticipation, such as for colds, fever, betadine, and so the like
  13. Companion, don't dare to go anywhere alone, I am serious, it's dangerous 

Things to note:

  1. Predict the weather, not good if it is raining
  2. Don't act sins
  3. Don't talk harshly
  4. Pay attention to your manner
  5. Don't litter carelessly, mind your own trash

That's all.

As long as you pay attention to what I wrote above, I believe you will enjoy the camp. Anyway, have a pleasant holiday!


Eid Fitr in Sukabumi

It was my first time praying Eid Fitr in Sundanese land, for the whole life I spent it in a small space in Lenteng Agung, except for 2 years in Sapporo. Regardless of my bad mood either from my real feeling or from PMS, I felt excited as it was my first experience to gather with a huge number of people in a large field. We followed the day decided by the government, which was on Saturday, 22 April 2023.

Thanks my brother for inviting me to Sukabumi. Last 2 years, I was with mom, but this year it is only me, (sad). I remember exactly, it was our (permissible) escape from dad, and we were really happy. This video I made last time, tell it all. 

Mom, don't worry about me, I underwent the heaviest Ramadhan successfully, now it is time to celebrate with cheers. 

Happiness is on the air like those balloons
The people went back home after the prayer

My nieces patiently waited us praying, they deserved the angpao

my brother, my sister in law's cousin and my brother's second daughter, me, my sister in law, my brother's first daughter

Minal aidin wal faizin

Mohon maaf lahir dan batin

I know I have many sins either intentional or unintentionally

Dear my beloved reader,

I apologize for any mistakes

 "The time has come for every soul to purify heart. For every man to begin a new life. For us let all mistakes forgiven, forgotten. Amen. Happy Eid Mubarak!" -anonym

-Let me also start a new life, a n(ew)u rul(e)...
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The Tortured Winning Day

Following my brother and joining Eid Fitr feast in Sukabumi, I received undesired questions from some of his relatives. "How was it, Eid Fitr without mom? Was it strange? How is it living alone? Don't you feel lonely?" 

Why did you need to ask those questions when it is already obvious? What do you want from me after throwing the questions? Do you want to watch me cry, to see my wound when I tried hardly to cover it? I required tight activities, to be busy; thus, I had put much efforts to distract my sensitive feelings, but how come you easily open it? That was cruel.  

"Look, your brother made video call with your dad, won't you join?" I didn't know, I just felt lazy and somehow, my body didn't want to move closer to see dad via phone. I guessed, I wasn't ready yet. 

"Her brother is more mature, right?"

Didn't they judge me for being childish as I didn't want to join the video call with dad? they just didn't know the actual situation. However, I do understand, in common family issues, somehow it is always the kids that are wrong, parent never be wrong. 

I was sad, but started from that, I was determined, to try not to feel or dig what I felt, because the following days, I might receive the same judgement. Trying to feel numb. 

We didn't plan to visit dad on the first day, I told my brother, better later, around the fourth day. Then, my second brother called, telling that his family might visit on the evening of the first day. Better together than alone, we agreed to visit together, so we went back and forth Sukabumi-Jakarta. 

I hadn't prepared myself yet. As finally face to face with dad, I didn't see a longing feeling from him, instead an anger stored in his eyes, my wish to get dad's soft side in this special day,  a wish to receive the same, the same hug that he gives every Eid Fitr, was not granted. 

Still, dad, you didn't value my presence. I thought, you had introspected and be softer. It was just the same ice that I encountered from the last visit. It's always me who is the worst. You scolded me for not being respectful to her. Couldn't you be wiser dad? To win both of us, not to make me under her. 

Oh, that's sad, even until now, she had been in higher priority than me. Again, he won her over me.

Another sins probably because I ignored his messages and calls frequently. 

Hmmm, no matter how much courage that I gather to appear in front of you, I believe you never appreciate it. Then, how come I still have the wish to get your attention. Nurul, you should be conscious! You are now nothing for dad. Do not dare to hope. 

Ah, I know I was sad, disappointed, angry, and broken. I have learnt not to deeply indulge on those feeling. As I said, I tried to feel numb, because if I dig the feeling, I would be drown with negativities and it is not good for my mental and physical health. Another torture created, please God save me.

God, you are the one who knows the best, which one is good and which one is bad. You are the only one who can judge. I hope under your guard, I could be still sane. I own nothing, but you. People keep come and go, as well as not to hope on people, but I know you are always by my side.

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Sunday, April 16, 2023

To be a burden for once...

Hmmm, counting the days, it's Eid Fitr when family gathers. I haven't experienced this uneasy feeling before. I couldn't concentrate, my mind is somewhere ahead, looking for a clear vision what to do on D-day. 

Why did the congested feeling appear at the time when I haven't finished my work yet? This is so troublesome. Should I resolve it now, or postpone it after works? When I chose to postpone, I doubt I could finish the work as my mind is destroyed with anxiety.

But to resolve it now, I don't know how to. Those choices looked inconvenient. My third brother offered me to be with his family. To which family I should join, those make me uncomfortable. A fear of being a burden for them. 

If no family to join, then what will you do? Even being by myself also feels difficult. I never imagine, the used to be my happiest day with family becomes this tough for now. 

Mom, do you know you were the adhesive that united us? Without you, even no single day we had iftar together. Even I hesitate if we could gather at the same time on the first day. Our family has been broken down into pieces by the damn witch. 

Should I just be with you Mom... As if it is possible. 

Hmmm, I guess, I should choose one and to be a burden for once. No choice. 

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A Trapped Storm

A storm was trapped in a tight cavity



A must to let it out

A wish for the rain,

to neutralize it,

to cure it,

but, where is the rain?


something unexplained might happen

Weather forecaster must do the job

This can't be unrevealed

Finally the rain dropped

still having the same matter

about the road

about the map where to go

every road is already crowded

would it be just fine

or be unwanted

No way to escape

Is there any easy path?

To extinguish the fire

that the thunder made

painful inside

Totoro: A Perfect Character of Imaginary Mental Support

Satsuki's family moved to a new house. According to Kanta, their neighbor's grandson whose age is the same with Satsuki, it is a haunted house, because it has been so long never been occupied. Nevertheless, Satsuki and his younger sister, Mei, do not mind it, they were excited instead. "Duk, duk, duk, duk..." their quick footstep noise on the wooden-made floor were loudly heard. Their joyful screaming while traveling around the house was just like kids who are very pleased to receive their dream gift or like the type of extrovert kids in general who are extremely happy (Although, I believe, introvert kids also can make the screaming in the house, but if outside, I doubt). 

How surprised they were, when finding out groups of black small creatures with big eyes fulfilling the kitchen room in the back part of the house. They were silent watching them. 

At the same time those black creatures immediately left the room. Understanding the situation, they agreed to scream as they believe, the scream they made is powerful to drive off the ghost. "It is a smoke black", Kanta's grandmother told them, "they occupy every room that is long empty. As long as you are being a sweet girl, they will never bother you". 

Satsuki and Mei went up to the second floor, firstly hesitated, but then they collected their brave to moved upward. 

Arriving to the second floor, Satsuki approached the window in the front and opened it hastily. 

Mei caught one of the black creatures and closed it using her fist, she excitedly went down to show to her family, but when being opened, it's only left black dust on her hand. Mei were very sure about what she caught and whining hope her dad believe her. 

I guessed those black creatures are their imagination that in fact it was just a thick dense of black dust accumulated on every surface either on the floor or wall, then it created like a black smoke and once the room is opened and fresh air enters, it went away. 

Her dad is a professor in a university, he was quite busy. At the time when Satsuki was in the school, Mei had no choice but to play by herself in the garden that is located next to a hill with full of big trees. Discovering a seed in the middle of the grass, she picked it up and when she continued walking forward, she found another one, until she noticed a white cute creature (a small version of Totoro or could be called "chibi Totoro") was the one who was dropping the seed accidentally. 

Chibi Totoro was nervous, and running rapidly to the hill to avoid her. Mei kept following it, passed through the bushes that adult could not enter. She crawled along the small path, then when out from the bush, she was around a big tree that from its hole, she saw a sleeping cat-like furry big creature. 

Delightedly, she jumped into it, hugged it, played its nose and watched it sleeping. Until she felt sleepy, then she fell asleep. She knew it was Totoro. She had ever been introduced with Totoro from a book telling her that Totoro is a forest spirit that protects the forest that's why she was excited meeting Totoro.

In the evening, Satsuki and her dad were frustratedly looking for her. Satsuki went through the same bushes and found her sleeping on the ground. 

Mei insisted that she was with Totoro before, everyone just agreed. Her dad is so understanding. Satsuki did not deny, even she wished to meet Totoro as well. "If you are lucky, you might meet her", her dad told them. Then, her dad invited them to went up to the hill to pray for the Gods, say thanks for protecting the forest, and ask for protecting their family too. 

One day, her dad went work to the university, so her dad asked Kanta's grandmother to look after Mei. When Satsuki was studying in the class. Mei shouted from outside. Acknowledging her voice, she asked permission to her teacher to meet her. Kanta's grandmother told her that she was just fine at first, but now, she asked to be with Satsuki. Her teacher was so kind for letting Mei sat besides her in the class. Mei was given a paper and crayons, she drew Totoro enthusiastically. 

So bad, it was raining heavily. Satsuki did not bring umbrella. Kanta kindly lent them his umbrella, meanwhile he ran home quickly without umbrella. 

Satsuki and Mei went home safely. Before it's called for a day, Satsuki remembered that her dad also did not bring umbrella, so they walked to the bus stop waiting for her dad to bring him umbrella. Upon long waiting her dad under the rain and while giving piggyback the sleeping Mei, she peeked from under the edge of the umbrella. 

She did not believe, Totoro was besides her in the bus stop. Totoro was using a small green leave to cover its top body. Satsuki heartedly gave Totoro her black umbrella that was first purposedly brought for her dad. Totoro didn't know how to use it until Satsuki showed it how to. 

Playing with the water drops that touched the surface of umbrella was an exciting experience for Totoro so it could not stop it until the Catbus arrived. 

As its gratitude, Totoro rewarded Satsuki a pouch of various seeds. Their dad arrived, while the rain eventually stopped. 

Satsuki told them about her good time with Totoro, even before going to bed, Satsuki and Mei still had time for planting the seeds that Totoro gave. 

During the night, in their dream, Totoro and Chibi Totoros came to the garden where the seeds were planted. Totoro helped it to grow quick. Seeing them outside, Satsuki and Mei joined their ceremony. 

The seeds were unbelievably growing extraordinarily huge. Totoro gave them ride to the peak of the huge tree. 

They stared from the top the beauty of the village view with admiration. 

Not stop until that, Totoro let them flied together to surround the village. Their laughs and smiles indicated their high positive energy, they felt really content with the journey with Totoro. 

On the next day, Satsuki and Mei woke up, but the huge tree disappeared, they realized it was just in their dream, but how come Satsuki and Mei had the same dream? Anyway, they did not matter it, yet they were still happy seeing the sprout appeared from the seeds.

When Satsuki and Mei were in the field with Kanta's grandmother for harvesting corns, a post officer came to their house, so nobody was at home, including her dad that was in university. 

Kanta received the letter and gave it immediately to Satsuki. Reading the letter made her in tears, the hospital told them that her mother could not come home as scheduled, she must stay more days because she caught a flu. So her coming back home must be postponed. It was not once, but for several times her mother postponed it, Satsuki felt something strange, she smelt as if they lied, how come flu took her more days again and again. Satsuki worried if she would die. Mei cried loudly, she could not accept it, she already missed her mom for so long and she wanted to give her, the corn she harvested. Satsuki could not think properly in the middle of her insecure feeling, sad, yet angry so she scolded Mei for not accepting it and called her stupid.

In her anxious, Grandmother asked Kanta  to show her the way to the house where she could borrow for a call. Satsuki did not allow Mei for following them, but Mei was ignorant. They ran faster than Mei, so Mei lost their trace on the way. 

Satsuki successfully made the call to her dad to convey the message from hospital. 

Her dad promised to right away visit her mom. In her young age and knowing how Mei was still a toddler, Satsuki's gloomy face showed it all. They of course were not ready to be left by their mom.  

Satsuki was not in the mood

She spoke up her worries and her sad feeling if their mom would eventually die. 

Hearing the bad news, Mei ran away to meet her mom in the hospital by her self. 

Realizing Mei was not there, everyone was stressfully searching for her. Kanta told her that, people found a sandal on the lake, and everyone gathered to find her. 

Fortunately, it was not her sandal according to Satsuki, so they stopped the search on the lake. 

Satsuki frustratedly looked for Totoro, hoping that Totoro could help her finding Mei. Totoro was there, in the middle of the forest, sleeping.

Totoro agreed to help her. Totoro called the Catbus to look for Mei together with Satsuki. 

It was a correct, that Mei was in the way to the hospital but she lost the way and cried. Satsuki hugged her and understood her longing feeling to meet their mom. 

The Catbus with a kind heart inviting them back to the bus seat and move to the hospital to see their mom. 

They arrived and saw their mom from the tree, they were happy as their mom looked happy with their dad. Mei put the corn in the window of her mom's room. 

Then they went back to the house without even greeting her mom. 

The story of "My Neighbor Totoro" left me confused, whether or not their mother is successfully cured and come back home to get together with them. Regardless of it, the character of Totoro, is a perfect imaginary mental support in my opinion. 

Firstly, Totoro could grant the wish of despair kids that in reality it is impossible to be done. Thinking about flying, taking on the Catbus, those are unreal. Yet, those made the kids extremely happy. Nothing is happier for every kids, when their wishes are granted unconditionally.

Secondly, Totoro could provide them attention on behalf of distracting their worries of her sick mom. It has been mentioned by Satsuki that her mom is already sick for so long, so it is reasonable why Satsuki was really frustrated. Her cries reminded me on how hopeless I were whining to the doctor to help my mom. But, in my case, my mom could not be helped. Anyway, regardless how miserable the life is, the existence of mental support may lift the depression, though the situation could not be changed. The mental support could prevent the depression to develop to be worsen. It is a great evident how Totoro supported them mentally in their crisis. Satsuki and Mei received good times with Totoro.  

The last but not least, Totoro's character is drawn with a cat-like furry big creature. No one can resist to hug it. The warm feeling received from cuddling with it could be validated. Not only kids, even adults are craving for hugs. Because hugging could reduce the stress and improve well-being, pleasure, and moods. I do want to have a mental support like Totoro. However, it is just an imaginary, there is no huggable, friendly, cute furry big creature exists in the real world. 

Thank you Totoro for providing such imagination that life can be very fun. Providing such a hope for a good thing to be happened in the future. You are not only supported Satsuki and Mei mentally, but you are also successfully giving hope to every hopeless audience, including me.