Saturday, March 11, 2023

An Exciting Death Sentence

Mom, I dreamt about undergoing death execution. I wasn't sad, instead I was happy. I tried hardly to cry but I couldn't, yet I was excited. Because it means that soon we are going to meet. I told you and I saw your smiles, I didn't know what was in your mind, probably you were laughing inside and thought that I was joking. But, I was serious at that time. 

Hahaha, I even didn't expect that I would have that kind of weird dream, I guessed it is because I miss you a lot and really want to meet you. The scene of death execution, perhaps was inspired from the horror movie that I just watched. As the shortest way to meet you, for sure is to leave this world. 

Regardless of what I have dreamt, counting the days, tomorrow we will gather to commemorate your death anniversary. Your family, friends, your students, will come too. I hope you are happy there. Even though it has been a year our parting, my longing feeling towards you never run dry. Even it is getting dense when I am alone. I want your hug.

Further, I would like to tell you, my nightmare now is not being chased by ghosts anymore, but my nightmare now is being chased with Dad. It is so scary to be caught by Dad and forced to live and acknowledged his new wife and new family. Mom, I am very sure that you understand my feeling that I hate living with them. 

Whenever I am in the situation with them. I kept silent. Truly, I wanna scream out loud and express my anger for the cruelty that they have been doing to us, but I can't. I chose to loosen my fist. That's why I join body combat class, to imagine she was there and I punch her hundreds times. 

Having the distance is the best choice for now. I love living here in my new place. It does not feel foreign to me. I didn't encounter difficulty for adaptation, as my youth was here before. It's such a burdensome to live somewhere foreign for me, as I need times to adapt and it will be so tiring. I could, but I just chose not to exhaust myself. My current life is already exhausting.

Hope, I can be strong and survive alone. See you Mom when I see you. 

Posted on by Nurul Fajry Maulida | No comments


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